I will die if light touches me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
