I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
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i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
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Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.