if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
