what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize