you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
