I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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