dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
