Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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