She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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