Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
