You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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