Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
