I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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