rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard