your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.