Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
