I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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