what if every blade of grass was a penis?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
