So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
