i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
