he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
