He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
