Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
