I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
