It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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