Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
