Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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