FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
