Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
