my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
