my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
