I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
