I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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