I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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