I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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