so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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