And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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