the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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