there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
