Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
