so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Four minutes until I can fart!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
