the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
