Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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