Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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