Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
