There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
