And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hippo gnu deer
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
