When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
