Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So apparently I’m into choking now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
