Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
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just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.