How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
