i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
