Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
