So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
