From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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