i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You ate ashes out of my bong
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
